We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
