Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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