i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
