As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
