i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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