I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Randomize
