i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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