how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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