saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
