I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
