worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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