Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
