Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
