he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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