You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
