Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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