So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
