Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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