The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
