Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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