his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
