I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
