Cold hands, warm shart.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
