dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I love having hate sex.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
