Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
