During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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