i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Best friends brother. Beat that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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