So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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