Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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