Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
