I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
