i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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