why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I am midnight drunk by noon
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
