I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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