is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
