FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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