I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
