So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
