Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
