We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
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