and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
