im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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