my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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