I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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