ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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