True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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