It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
