Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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