I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
