If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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