On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
