did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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