Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
