can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We're too hungover to prance.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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