I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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