Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
