just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
