she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
